There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize