dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
