this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
