He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
