I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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