Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
