bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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