I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
