Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize