I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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