i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize