The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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