I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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