Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
