my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
