im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
