my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
