they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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