Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize