you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
