i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
