Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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