Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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