I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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