we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
