I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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