I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
