Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
