I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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