i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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