I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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