Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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