I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
