hell yes lets make some ravioli
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
