Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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