I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
