is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize