Fuck appropriateness.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
