I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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