This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
