Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
