i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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