I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
