I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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