Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
