im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
