I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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