I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
bring money and cleavage
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
