Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
