I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The air taste purple.
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