woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
