Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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