I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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