i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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