he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
