So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
try to milk me bitch
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
