I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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