I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
