She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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