I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
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