I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to cum in my sink.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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