Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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