6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You can't just leave with hair like that
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
