walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
