community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
