Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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