Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
high people should be assigned attendants
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
