If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
