I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
