my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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