the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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