Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
